Sunday, 18 March 2018


i've been feeling pretty off and flat the past week. trying to master the balance between making conscious efforts to feel better but also respecting the natural cyclic nature of life. flowers don't bloom all year. plants need both sunshine and rain to grow.

i'm trying to become more comfortable with sitting in pain or uncomfortable emotions. welcoming these perceived 'negative' emotions in and introducing myself to them as a friend. instead of asking "why me" when uncomfortable feelings come my way, asking "what do i need to learn from this". pain and sadness will always leave you a lesson if you're open to it and give it the time and space to teach you. pain is our biggest teacher. when you address the pain and acknowledge it rather than suppressing it, you own it and take control instead of letting it take control over you. the act of feeling through your pain will eventually lead you to a place of peace. its when we suppress emotions that we create lasting scars and rooted unhealed traumas. problems don't leave because you avoid them or conceal them, they become bigger because you didn't honour them. pain will continue to show up until you learn the lesson from it. the universe will give you the exact same lesson in different versions over again until you master it.

i'm terrified of stagnation. of feeling stuck. i don't want to sit in the confines of comfort. i crave the taste of freedom. of being untethered. the place just beyond fear, where growth is found. there is joy and expansion in movement. i'm bored of this city. i'm bored of already getting caught up in a routine. i'm restless and yearning for a changing horizon.

i have dreams of where mountains meet the ocean. dreams of photos i'm yet to take and words i'm yet to write. places i long to see and people i long to meet. my heart aches to be creating again. i want to be taking photos of everything and writing everything down and creating little films. collections and memories of all the beautiful moments. my heart aches to hear people's stories. people opening up their souls, whether that's through music or poetry or art or conversations, that's what i really crave. that's what sets my soul on fire. brutal honesty and vulnerability and story telling. i want to hear from people that have a twinkle in their eye and speak in poetry.

i long for conversations we grow from, not repetitive and shallow exchanges. i only want to say things that matter. i want to offer space for other people. offer a safe place for people to bloom open and unravel their layers. people deserve what's real. when you show up and are honest and vulnerable, you're teaching others its okay to do the same. 

i want the conversations i have with people to not have any limits. i want to get to the true essence of people. all illusions shattered and everything other than true connection striped away. i want to really see people and have them see me. we all have wounds and scars we don't want to expose to the sun. it can be painful and uncomfortable to talk to the truth in yourself and others. we need to stop hiding the depth we all carry within us. we need to stop associating pain with something inadequate. strip away the ego. strip away the fear. drop into your heart space.

people who don't truly see you or have negative judgements of you have their own reasons for that. that's not a reflection of you. that's coming from the place within themselves where they don't see themselves. where they haven't shown up for themselves and gone inwards. 

don't try to paint yourself as a hero or a saint. expose yourself in a way that shows the dark too. we are all light and dark. learn to admit when you're wrong or act shitty or hurt someone. there is grace and courage in being brave enough to own up to your dark. i called my ex yesterday. apologised for any hurt i'd caused him in the past and forgave him for the hurt he inflicted on me. how powerful and freeing forgiveness is for both hearts involved. there is great peace and healing in forgiving. 

i leave for bali in 9 days. i'm terrified but exhilarated to be thrown out of my comfort zone, living out of a backpack again in a foreign country. i think we find ourselves in the chaos. i'm trying to continuously strip back layers and unravel parts of myself. explore all the dark corners and mental patterns i've created. perhaps the journey isn't so much about becoming anything, but rather un-becoming everything that isn't really you.

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