Saturday, 12 August 2017

SUNSHINE, SNOW & THE BIG CITY


it's been a while, i know. honestly i've just been overwhelming uninspired and lost the last few months. the past six months have been the biggest rollercoaster and amidst trying to keep my head above the water i kinda lost track of everything i enjoy doing. stopped doing the things that light my soul on fire. up until a couple weeks ago i hadn't picked my camera up in months. hadn't done anything creative just for me, not just because the course i was doing forced me to. between my mental health breakdowns and boy whirlwinds, i got trapped in just trying to stay afloat. 

under the growing pressure that i think most teenagers feel, i was panicking about what i was "going to do with my life", and growing increasingly more disheartened due to feeling as though the course i was doing just wasn't for me. i think i've mentioned a few times that i was doing a six month uni course that was supposed to be based around trialling different creative fields. while i enjoyed it to begin with, as it progressed i began to have doubts that it was the right path for me. as it was supposed to be a broad creative course, when i began to not truly enjoy it, i also began to question myself as a "creative person". i think subconsciously it became stuck in my head that because i wasn't enjoying this specific creative course, that a creative path in general wasn't right for me. cue 'aha' moment of potential cause of certain breakdowns in the last few months. i haven't really ever enjoyed anything that isn't creative in some sense, so it makes sense why i was struggling so much with this questioning. 

a common theme in the last few months has been that i overwhelming felt as though i've had no real sense of purpose or anything going for me in life, which now appears obvious due to my abandonment of the things i enjoy. i now realise that i can't expect myself to have been happy during those months when i neglected that huge part of myself - the creative, expressive part. taking photos, editing photos, writing, putting together blog posts - those are some of the main things that light me up and warm my soul. i feel as though this blog continues to change as i constantly recreate myself and grow and find the things i want to share and write about, which at times results in me not knowing what i want to post. that's okay though, i'm learning not to force things and instead just trust the process. i've really been trying to surrender and put trust in the unconditional love and greater plans of the universe. as soon as i started doing that, everything began to fall into place. you become more supported by the universe the more you let go and stop pushing for things. there is a perfect time and place for everything. i know it's as cliche as it can possibly get but i believe so deeply that everything happens for a reason. it's all in line with the greater divine plans. 

that was a giant backstory of some of the stuff going on in the last six months and i get that most people probably couldn't care less about my incessant life rambling, but honestly i write most of this blog crap purely for my own sake. whilst writing those last few paragraphs i kinda realised most of those things for the first time, so in that sense i guess some of what this blog has become is just me learning stuff. i can't promise i'm going to fully get back into the blog post swing of things, but i can say that i really would like to and i'm going to try my best to. hopefully once i continue to sort life things out and get back into the groove and flow of inspiration i'll start posting more regularly.

speaking of sorting life things out, i just got home from almost a month away. what initially started as a two-week holiday to sunny byron bay turned into a month long adventure. as i already talked about in the last few paragraphs, the past 6ish months have just been suuper draining. before i left for this trip i could literally feel that my heart and soul were exhausted and depleted. over the span of a lunch date with one of my favourite women, i came up with the idea of heading to byron for a while and decided that was exactly what i needed. (spoiler: it totally was). within a week i had booked my tickets and was counting down the days until the sunshine and salt water. 

byron was exactly what i needed and more. if you've heard of byron bay you've heard of the cliche spiritual nature of the place, and if you know me you know i can be as cliche as it gets. so i'm just gonna go out and say there's definitely some healing and magical energy to that place. almost immediately i just felt more at peace, grounded and centred, and those feelings lasted the duration of my trip. the two weeks i spent there were filled with endless sunshine, markets, swimming in the ocean, reading, yoga, fresh strawberries, journaling, meditating and just listening to what my soul needed, which a lot of the time was to just relax. my days were filled with a lot of introspection and reflection, which was extremely valuable, and at risk of sounding cliche once again, i learnt a lot and grew a lot. the seeds of a number of important lessons and mindset shifts were planted for me to continue to work at in the future. through and in addition to these lessons and realisations i really began to look into and deepen my spiritual knowledge, beliefs and practises. on one particular day i drove through winding backroads to a little cottage and had my first tarot reading, which was an insane, fascinating and enlightening experience. i also was lucky enough to spend an afternoon with one of my favourite photographers and just the sweetest soul, gabi mulder. (i've got a post coming up shortly with photos i took of her). 

i feel blessed and thankful for trusting the flow and going with my heart and gut, which halfway through my trip led me to extend it for another two weeks. i'm suuper close with my mum and usually quite a homebody which i thought would result in me being my usual homesick self, but that couldn't have been further from the truth on this trip. due to my realisation that i could survive by myself, the day i was supposed to fly home i ended up only getting on my first flight and instead staying in melbourne and going up to mount hotham. much more fast-paced than byron, my time in melbourne was filled with incredible vegan food (i lost count of how many smith & deli sandwiches i ate), walking through the city listening to want you back by haim, going to a uni open day and consequently freaking out about my future. i struggled in the big city with what i can only describe as sensory overload and missed the ocean within the first day i was there. there's definitely a contrast between the speeds of life in byron and melbourne, but i appreciated them both for what they brought. i then headed up to the mountain for a while where i visited mr bestfriend/soulmate and discovered my love for snowboarding. back to a slower pace, that week of snow was full of bliss and beauty and memories to be cherished for a long time.

getting on my flight back home was pretty rough and bittersweet. i guess returning back to reality always is. as well as learning so much about myself, i was also just so happy and at peace within myself for pretty much the majority of the trip, which made coming home extra tough. as i kind of explained at the start of this post, before i left i was pretty darn unhappy and struggling with a lot of things, so i was scared to sink back into that headspace when i returned home after feeling so much better being away. i'm not gonna lie, being home this week has resulted in me feeling a bit down, but i know the steps i need to take to keep trying to improve that. currently trying to work out my life but my heart just keeps telling me to get on a one-way flight to hawaii, so we'll see. i'll keep you posted.

if you've read this far i'm both surprised and thoroughly impressed. let me know what you've been up to in the comments below, i'd love to start more conversations with you all!

all my love & light,
A xx


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1 comment:

  1. these photos are absolutely gorgeous! it makes me very happy to see you having such a wonderful time sweetie, and i truly hope you'll always feel this way. ahh i wish i could give you all the light in the world xx

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