Sunday, 13 November 2016

life at eighteen

a snapshot of my life at eighteen.

right now there is an apple pie baking in the oven, filling the house with its cinnamon sweetness, and i'm listening to bon iver's new album on a vinyl that my friend bought me. sunshine is streaming in through the blinds and there is a vase of freshly picked flowers; calla lilies and irises from our yard, on the table. 

i had my last day of year 12 a few days ago, and after one final exam later this week, it'll be sweet sweet freedom and total control of what i want to do and where i want to go in life. thats both a terrifying and exhilarating thought. a gap year is definitely on the cards for next year - i could never go straight into more full-on studying, neither do i know exactly what i would do. the options are unlimited, and i suppose the cliche "the sky is the limit" rings true. recently i've been looking into a six month creative course that would give me a bit of structure in my upcoming year, so we'll see how that continues to progress.
the past year has been a huugee learning experience for me in terms of my mental health. getting in touch with the way my brain works and reacts to situations is an ongoing process i work at. the most crucial element in this journey was definitely the decision to talk to my doctor about brain stuff and subsequently, go see a therapist for a while about a year ago. i'd been to a psychologist before but never really made any progress. from as young as i can remember i've been labelled as a 'worry-wart' and it was only once i tried again to talk to a professional that i realised a lot of what i had always experienced was textbook anxiety. having something to explain what had been going on in my head my whole life made learning how to deal with it possible. i couldn't recommend getting professional help enough if you suspect something's going on in your noggin. being able to identify thought patterns or behaviours as being a result of a mental illness can be extremely helpful and reassuring that you're not just fully nuts, ya know.

i alternate between doing quite a bit of yoga and forgetting for days and days, but its something i've always found really benefits me physically and mentally. i ought to meditate more often too. both of those things can seem difficult to make time for, but it's true that the busier you are, the more needing your body and brain is of making time to breathe and give your body some lovin.

i go through a lot of phases with cooking and eating. right now i eat a lot of oranges and white chocolate macadamia clif bars, attempt to cook vegan donuts quite frequently (which somehow always end up resembling scones), and bake a lot of pies (in the past few weeks i've baked apple pies, pumpkin pies and vegan shepherds pies numerous times). i probably need to eat more vegetables and greens. i'm also always drinking tea. for a while my favourite has been an over-priced and over-packaged 'golden caramel rooibos". add a dash of soy milk and a spoon of honey, mmmm. i stopped drinking coffee months and months ago, and my go-to drink when i'm out running errands or meeting friends is a turmeric milk latte. my favourite cafe makes one with turmeric, other ayurvedic spices, almond/coconut milk & honey and i've fallen in love with it. also, kombucha. that shits goood.
i've been dating my bestfriend for over 6 months now and those months have honestly been filled with the most love and happiness i've ever felt. we're both learning and growing and looking forward to a future full of love and plants. we bought a van together a few weeks ago, which has been a dream of mine for as long as i can remember. after we finish our exams it'll be straight onto working on doing it up. we have all the mechanical side of things already fixed up, next will come the fun part of turning the inside of it into a hopefully beautiful and liveable area. we're planning on adventuring around our island home state of Tasmania first, then eventually heading up the east coast of Australia. you'll no doubt be hearing and seeing updates in the near future! i can finally get my full driving license, so in the next few weeks hopefully i'll be able to drive us around too.

months ago i made the conscious decision to stop wearing any makeup. while i have nothing against people choosing to wear makeup, i didn't personally like the affect it had grown to have on me. i have never worn much makeup in my life, and at this point of deciding to stop completely, i was wearing eyebrow pencil, mascara, eyeliner and highlighter at the very most. but even a daily few coats of mascara and eyebrow fill-in was a routine i didn't feel comfortable without, and once i realised that, it wasn't something i was happy about. deciding to stop wearing any makeup for me meant getting in touch and comfortable with my completely natural face and features, and learning and attempting to feel okay with myself as is. on a lesser level of importance, the decision was also a little bit to do with the fact that i wore makeup as an attempt to be "prettier", as some of makeup-wearers do, and i eventually asked myself "who am i trying to impress? who do i try to look pretty for?". i realised that i owe "looking pretty" to absolutely no one.
after years of a headache-inducing pink room, my (incredibly handyman) father built an extension to our house, and thus, i can finally live out the white-walled, plant-filled aesthetic room life. as shallow as it is, i'm kind of in love with my room. its filled with natural light and is a space i find both comforting and inspiring, which is a very pleasant change. its so inspiring i'm likely to take photos of it for a 'room tour' kinda post in the near future.

i'm sure its partially due to finishing school and turning eighteen, but i've been noticing a growing sense of independence and desire to continue with that growth. i'm starting to work more and (attempt to) save money, heck, i washed my own sheets last week. as scary as 'adult things' can be, i'm really enjoying doing some of them and having an increasing level of self-sufficiency. sure, i still prefer if my mum calls to book appointments for me, but sometimes now i can go to them by myself, and sometimes, i'll even call. at dinner the other night i ordered a glass of wine, so i think i'm pretty much considered a real adult.

basically the only music i've been listening to these days is bon iver's new album; 22, A Million. incredibly different to his usual, soothing, melodic sounds, i praise this album as a musical work of art.

i've been going through my crystal phase for a while. beside my bed sits a rose quartz, amethyst, aquamarine, clear quartz and desert rose. i also wear a rose quartz bracelet daily. whether its all "hippy bullshit" or not, i find it incredibly fascinating researching how different crystals can affect us and the power they, may or may not, have. i'm currently searching for a blue lace agate and moonstone to add to my little collection.

in addition to crystals, i'm in the biggest plant phase. i dream of my bedroom and future house being a jungle filled with beautiful plants. to date my collection includes a china doll, hosta, maidenhair fern, orchid, chinese money plant, and a peace lily that my lovely boy bought me for our 6 month anniversary. these plants have become my children and if (fingers crossed i won't) i ever kill one, it will be a very sad day. honestly right now nothing excites me more than the thought of buying more plants and nurturing my little indoors jungle family.

within the past year i've increasingly noticed my ever-developing 'homebody' traits. i've always been predominately introverted, but more and more the temptation to decline party invites and the like has been occurring. call me boring, as some of my friends do, but the idea of a night out is now often heavily overshadowed by the desire for a comfy, early night tucked in my doona. i discussed this with one of my close friends who shares the same homebody desires (and hence, social hang-outs with her often prove difficult to organise), and she mentioned the shame she often feels for this. the pressure for teenage life to filled with parties and late nights and constant socialisation can often be felt, with cozy friday nights seen as not living up to these teenage expectations. i say screw those expectations, i'd take a night of tea and writing and candles and my damn comfy bed over a party most of the time.

this is parts of me at eighteen.
i'm curious to see what life at nineteen may look like next year.

A xx

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p.s. the initial idea of this post was inspired by emma mercury's post


  1. So beautiful to read + such an uplifting update. Congrats on graduating as well and I just can't wait to see where life takes you!


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