Monday, 7 December 2015

goals / finding myself

i guess this post is a follow-on from my last worded angsty mess. a solution of sorts, if you will. i've been working on this list for a couple weeks and adding/removing things as they come to mind. already implementing some of these conscious behaviours/actions is making a difference to how i've been feeling lately. 

that mentioned feeling is good. really good. which hasn't been a regular feeling for the longest time. it's actually the greatest thing ever. today i went on a long drive with my mum and my car full of deep conversations and music from my shitty speakers to the most insanely beautiful lookout and beach. skated with last post's photos' boy and on the way home from dropping him off i was driving alone in my car and one of my favourite songs came on and i sang it out loud with the windows down and my hair was blowing in the warm breeze and i was smiling to myself and i probably haven't felt that happy in a very very long time.

anyway, without being engrossed in the usually very shallow, stereotypical #goals movement, i guess the following are basically my #goals

learn to meditate and incorporate it into my daily schedule
unfortunately i posses the worst overthinking and anxiety-ridden head, so meditation is something that is both extremely difficult and extremely beneficial for this ol’ brain of mine! i’ve downloaded a few guided meditation apps, which should be a decent start. it’s just so damn difficult. gah.

get creative
my entire being is calling out for me to get back into creative living. to get back into doing art, whether that be in tiny or large ways. i feel the absolute best when i’m behind a camera taking photos or editing or drawing or whatever it may be. something about getting completely caught up in a creative task literally fuels my soul. i want to take more photos and carry my camera around. i just bought a few cheap disposable cameras and this summer i want to take heaps of shots then get them developed at the end of the summer. also want to try to be brave and branch out of my comfort zone into trying different art forms. almost finished reading the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, which has super duper influenced this recognition of my burning need to do creative shit (p.s. read that book. everyone. right now. no, really, i'm not kidding, i can’t recommend it enough)

write more
this ties in with the previous ‘get creative’ goal - a sub-category. i've always had this very intense relationship with writing. for as long as i can remember it's been something that has brought me immense enjoyment and satisfaction, as well as heavy praise from numerous people. but at the same time as coming to me very naturally, it has also always been a task which has been incredibly difficult and brought forth an overwhelming amount of self-doubt, criticism and insecurity. for that reason, writing has been something that i've dodged and avoided when i should have fully immersed myself in it every chance i could and constantly worked on improving. can't help but feel mad at myself for all this wasted time absent from practicing it. so i want to write more. poems, journalling, just words, words, words. aiming to sit down and write everything that comes into my head regularly. i love the feeling i’ve been rediscovering lately of being inspired by everything and having lines of a poem zoom into your head while you madly rush to write it down before you lose it.

try new things
as i said in my last worded post, to a certain extent i’ve felt incredibly unsure on what my passions are and where my talents lie. i think since that post i’ve begun to discover/accept ones i already possess. like i fucking love taking photos and i can now confidently say that yeah, photography is a major passion of mine. but discovering new things i enjoy that i may have previously not even considering trying is something i want to start doing. i want to go to classes and try new things. try a boxing class, hot body yoga, indoor rock climbing. as well as being able to find new hobbies/passions by trying out new things, i think we also learn an incredible amount about ourselves through stepping out of our comfort zones.

be honest, vulnerable and open
i’ve always naturally really valued honesty highly, from others but also from myself. but i think that honesty has also always been overcast heavily by my complete bullshit fear of, like, everything and anxiety towards, like, everything. so i would strive for honesty, but only in a comfortable way. i want to learn to stop being scared. or be scared, but do the thing anyway. putting yourself or your feelings out in the open can be terrifying but it’s so crucial in your happiness and growth. since originally writing this list, i have so many examples of this striving to be honest and vulnerable lately. i lowkey caught feelings for my best friend recently and the other night i did that super scary thing of telling him and no, i didn’t die, and yes, i still have that best friend and literally nothing has changed between us except for me feeling better about being honest and not having to trap/hide that feeling inside myself any longer. another silly petty example is that in the last few months my job has come along with ridiculously high and uncomfortable stress and anxiety rates for me, but recently i’ve stood up for myself in situations and been like “hey listen this really makes me uncomfortable and i feel inexperienced for this situation, can i instead do this…” and its scary because i hate feeling incapable or inadequate, but i feel so much more comfortable with stupid small things like, carrying two plates instead of three at the moment. #justrookiewaitressthings

spend more time in nature
i feel so damn good being surrounded by nature and exploring new places. fresh air, big trees, the ocean, flowers, mountains, etc etc i just freaking love nature. i live in the most beautiful state and i really want to start exploring it more. fingers crossed, bring on some roadtrips and adventures in the near future. this nicely comes along in a package deal with one of my other favourite things, being on the road. i’ve discovered how bloody much i love being behind the wheel. man oh man.

start my own veggie garden
this is actually something since writing this list i’ve fully accomplished and can now say is the best dang thing ever. legit. i’ve loved the whole process. from picking out the veggies i wanted to plant, to getting down n dirty planting them, to watering them daily, to now being able to eat produce i’ve literally grown from scratch by myself. made a green smoothie with my own kale and spinach this morning then had some in a salad with dinner. you cannot beat that. happy happy times.

more reading, less time on phone.
i used to love reading. actually, scratch that, i still do love reading, i just haven’t done anywhere near enough in the last few years. i waste so so much goddamn time on my stupid phone when i could instead be soaking up pages of books and actually bettering myself. goal: minimise useless social media scrolling and comparing, use that time to read and expand my vocabulary and mind. ideally i’d really like to read at least every night before i go to sleep.

challenge my point of view and educate myself
becoming obsessed with the idea of just being as educated as possible on as much as possible and forming my own opinions and perspectives on issues/topics. i’ll achieve this through reading different things, watching documentaries and having conversations with different kinds of people, all with an open mind.

learn to listen; to yourself, to other people and to nature

more kind exercise
i have, and always have had, the worst relationship with exercise. it’s all or nothing. i’ll get into a super intense schedule for a couple weeks/months then stop completely for weeks/months, and the cycle continues, and continues. probably definitely all to do with my obsessive personality. i don’t quite know how, but i really would love to be able to form a healthy, consistent relationship with exercising. not for aesthetic purposes whatsoever, just because it does make me feel so damn good. want to get back into regular yoga in particular.

eat more fresh fruit and veg
i’m usually pretty good at this already #veganlife, but i still would like to lower my intake of processed foods and focus more on fresh fruit and veggies. i feel my absolute best eating food alive with energy and vitamins and all that goodness. more greens in particular - salads are groovy as fuck. more wholefoods and carbs, less fats and oils.

drink more tea and water, less coffee
i bloody love the taste, but coffee makes me anxious and shaky as hell. all about that soy chai and rooibos life instead now.

get back into playing piano and learn to play guitar
i’ve always loved getting lost in learning to play a new song on the piano and noticing progress, i want that feeling regularly again. also learning to play the guitar would be cool? my brother has attempted to teach me a few times, but maybe i’ll stick to it sometime.

save money
so basically, stop spending all my money on unnecessary food - when the snack life gets you every time. i want to travel more than anything in the world, so starting to save some dolla seems like a very good place to start.

stop looking for validation from others
i think semi because of social media, i’ve got a slight habit of searching for/desiring validation from others. it can become a very toxic, unfulfilling cycle very easily. i need to stop caring what other people think of me all together, whether that be good or bad.

set goals
i’ve never been a goal setter. this is something i’d like to work on changing. i want to aim to set short-term and long-term goals. i think that will be something that will really help in motivating me and giving me a sense of purpose (don’t worry, that sentence made me cringe  like hell too).

make choices based on what is best for my mental health
i guess all these previous points lead to this. the desire to feel good. to be happy. it’s as simple and as complicated as that. i’ve mentioned this before, but i wasn’t blessed with the best mental health and the past few years have been kinda super rough a lot of the time but i’m learning all these little things to feel okay, to feel good. this year in particular i’ve really focused on doing what i need to do to stay sane lol. for me personally, this meant that at one point my doctor and i decided that going to talk to someone would be a good thing to do. it was. i went to therapy for a few months and while it was super difficult and kinda shitty, it was also really beneficial. i learnt what was going on and how to recognise and start managing that. i know how terrifying it can be to talk about what’s going on in your head, but seeking help if you need it is one of the bravest things you can do and often what’s needed to make you realise you need to make changes. you deserve to feel good yo.

i think i’m done for now. i have literally the most severe case of word-vomit on the planet and that was no doubt potentially one of the most boring things you’ve ever read in your life (if you did read it), but hey, this is my lil place on the interweb and i can choose to write whatever nonsense, in whatever quantities i desire. mmm, fuck yeah dat sweet learning to stop caring.

A xx


  1. I've been trying to accomplish some of the same ambitions recently and I think this is wonderful. x

  2. yes yes yess to all of the above. I was going to reply on your comment on my post but blogspot is crappy with all that informing of replies n all. ive been having a crappy crappy monday tuesday and I couldnt pinpoint why but I couldnet get out of bed this morning for my last day of school. my dad called me and I cried n felt so overwhelmed with where I am right now (falling behind on school, non-reciprocated feelings, self doubt and frustration at the gap of what i am and where i want to be/feel like i need to be). it really only hit this week but its emotions ive been denying for quite a while now. i think its because my close friends are all on duke of ed and without that support network i felt super lost, also i found out something about a boy that sorta cracked something within altho it wasnt/isnt his fault. i agree with you whole heartedly on the whole validation point - i think the toxic combo of self doubt and this whole cyber world can be really detrimental to mental health and im really feeling it atm. i so so wish we lived closer i feel like we'd have the best sleepover dnms and make creative shit while adventuring. i'm listening to some florence and the machine and her voice is like a soothing balm on my everywhere emotions. lets do this get better positivity together - always here for you and miss you very much xxxx


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