Thursday, 26 November 2015

lost between the pine trees

in lieu of a repetitive apology for the sporadic posting, i will instead offer you the information that i am now done with school for the year and have until february to be creative and all that jazz. hence, i will gift you with the *almost-certain*-promise that you will hopefully see quite a bit of me on here in the next few months.

so yeah, school and my first year of college ended with an anti-climatic week of super-duper-sickness and missed exams (not really complaining about the latter). i did however surprisingly put some photos up on a wall and one got selected for a touring art exhibition-y thing, so that was cool.

these are just a few begrudgingly allowed photos of a real good friend of mine. one of those people you semi-knew in primary school, didn't see for years due to one of you moving schools, then reconnected at your mutual college. you also happen to live a few minutes down the road from each other, which is fucking wicked for spontaneous movies and chill in the least "movies and chill" way possible. bloody quality teenage boy (haha bet you didn't think those existed anymore). he's not too hard on the eyes either hey?

see you real real soon. promise.
A xx

Tuesday, 6 October 2015


it's 11:30pm and while i'm usually completely dead to the world by now, tonight i'm feeling all sorts of things and just need to write. i'm exhausted but buzzing with the need to get these circulating thoughts out of my head and down into some hopefully but probably not likely to be coherent sentences. i'm huddled in a blanket in the dark, face dimly illuminated by my laptop screen and insides warmed by a mug of peppermint tea and i'm feeling oh so lost right now.

so fucking lost.

to a certain extent it's not really feeling lost in the world per se. i mean, i have incredible friends and family and a job i love. it's more a feeling of being lost within myself. i'm currently, and think i have been for a long time, in a place of not knowing who i am OR who i want to be. and it's kinda terrifying me. i'm not in a position where i would say i'm content within myself and my day-to-day actions aren't getting me anywhere or making me overly happy. i dunno i just can't help but feel that i don't really know myself at all.

i think a big thing is that the last couple of years have been so difficult for me mentally. i've been in a battle with my brain and thoughts and dealing with messy mental stuff and because at times that's been really draining, i haven't had a whole lot of energy or thought room to develop or focus on any of my passions. heck, i don't even know what the fuck my "passions" are. i don't really know what i'm good at or what i love and that's really sad. something that has always kinda gotten to me is the fact that when you meet people, often one of the very first things they ask is "what do you want to do when you leave school/grow up?", as if the most important thing about you is the career you will choose in years to come. i've always had some sort of answer to that question, be it ridiculous or childish or vain, but now i have absolutely no flipping idea. what to do i want to do with my life? i want to swim under waterfalls and in the ocean, eat fresh fruit and veggies, do yoga, climb mountains and watch the sunrise, walk around a spacious house in pretty lingerie, make love and fall in love, write, listen to music, take photos and capture beautiful moments, travel the globe, have meaningful connections, be happy within myself. how do i fabricate a career out of that? how do i answer the question of what i want to do when i leave school?

i think i'm also scared of being deemed as "unsuccessful" or not living up to my "potential"/people's expectations of me. i've kinda fucked up this school year and the realisation that i could've been better, could've done more, could've been more, is really messing with me. i've always been a bright kid - when i was in primary school my parents had me tested for a "gifted children program". i ended up just under the mark but my parents were told that things would come very easy to me but when i got to high-school/college and things became more challenging, i wouldn't know how to work at or deal with things. how did they so accurately predict my life oh man. growing up with high expectations of myself from my parents, teachers and my own self and kinda being a failure at the moment is a really really uncomfortable and negative position. i so passionately hate the feeling/thought of disappointing and letting people down.

i guess that brings up another point though - i need to stop looking for validation from others. i think especially with all this social media bullshit, it's so easy to crave that validation from others. that you're good enough, that you're worthy. whether it be posting a photo on instagram and waiting for the "you're so gorgeous" "body goals" "let me be you" comments or even posting my thoughts here or on tumblr and hoping i get comments/messages of support and/or agreeance. it becomes very lonely when that praise is no longer existent within your own self and you've got to always look outwards to find it. still on the topic of social media, i need to get the fuck off and take a break. is scrolling through endless images of girls in bikinis with "perfect" bodies living my #goal life productive in the slightest? i think we all know the answer to that. whether we recognise it or not, consciously or subconsciously, we compare ourselves to those images and it's so fucking toxic. i need to stop putting worth on myself by my physical appearance or compliments i get. like, my skin is super bad right now and i've gained weight but who gives a fuck? why do i feel like that matters? i'm more than my skin and bones and i want to start working on what's inside and get compliments on that.

i dunno this is a total raw mess that i'm not even going to read over and edit and i'm a mess but i had to get it out. i've gotta make a change. i've gotta start working on things. it's so late (i've been sitting here for hours) and no doubt reading this over in daylight is going to make me cringe at the lack of sense it makes. idk i'm winging everything and just want to be unapologetically honest.

i'm so fucking lost, but hey, maybe that's really okay.

A xx

Sunday, 2 August 2015


behold, the photo-taking experience that caused my burning desire and demanding need to create again. at the risk of sounding totally bullshitty and pretentious, who would've thought that a seemingly insignificant morning spent trespassing into an old shed could have such an effect on my state of mind. 

meet sinead. with her striking blue eyes, she's one-part good looks, two-parts beautiful soul. just one of those humans you can't help but feel truly blessed to know, ya know?

amongst the soft rays of light that morning i somehow found/rekindled this sliver of passion that's only gonna keep growin'. find what you love and do that shit more often.

A xx

Saturday, 1 August 2015

... i'm back bitches

*clears throat* helllooo!! is anyone out there? 
you'll never guess who's back! (hint: it's totally me). it's only been 343 days since my last post - chances are i'm probably/definitely in the running for the longest blog hiatus award ever or some shit.

FAR OUT a lot has happened in this past very-almost-a-year. not sure where to begin, but the fact that i started drinking coffee somehow seems like a valid place to start (how the heck did i ever survive uncaffeinated??). i started college at a new school which was potentially the best decision i've ever made, leading to some of the most incredible friendships with the raddest group of humans out there. got my first real job at my favourite vegan restaurant. started learning to drive and received a car for my birthday. dropped my iphone in the toilet. got a macbook. experienced my first "proper" relationship of dating my main "high-school crush" for a few months. consequently, also experienced a broken heart. had approximately 287 mental breakdowns and lost my mind twice (jokes aside - mental health is something i possibly would like to talk about on here in the future). hit my one-year vegan anniversary. bought some groovy shoes... just to name a few seemingly "momentous" occasions. (above photos are some selected moments from the past year or so)

so what the &*$% am i doing back here you may ask? who knows to be honest. it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but i'm working it all out. the last 24 hours have been,,, awakening(??). basically i've been a bit of a walking existential crisis as of lately and i have reached the conclusion that i've just kinda lost myself completely. dwelling on the previously mentioned boy/heartbreaker for SOO far too long + just not having great mental times has left me numb to everything and just utterly lost. my grades dropped and i started skipping classes, i stopped reading, i stopped taking photos, i stopped working out/doing yoga, i stopped playing piano, i stopped writing, i started going to parties and drinking to deal with feeling shitty, etc etc etc. the last few months have just been not super positive and kinda destructive and i've got very caught up in it all, which i think is very easy to do. it's come to the point where i just really need to start actively doing things and making decisions to change all of that. it's not fun having a life that feels like a mess. 

so anyway, i took photos properly for the first time in a long time yesterday and holy heck it felt bloody good to be back behind a camera and taking + editing photos again. actually being proud of/happy with something i've done for the first time in a long time was just this awesome awesome thing and it triggered this need for change within me. so yeah, one of those decisions i've made is to come back here and share stuff, hopefully regularly. everyone says creating is good for the soul and i think maybe that's partially why i've been struggling so much. cravin' some of that good old creating content. don't quite know what the following posts are going to entail or what ya'll can expect, but hey, that's part of the fun, right?

as a sorta side-note/thing that's been bothering me.. i was tempted to delete all my past posts because OH MY GOD do they make me cringe to the max, but as much as i hate them, i've got this strange attachment thing going on and deleting all those memories kinda doesn't sit right with me. SO if you scroll back before this page (which i'm strongly advising against) there are a heap of completely cringe-worthy photos, but hey, that was me then, this is me now. i'm an utterly different person. from here on is what matters.

so i'm back. back to share long, waaay too honest rambles like this and photos i take with you all. hopefully this is maybe a small puzzle piece to the jigsaw i'm trying to sort out.

talk to you soon.
Araina xo