Tuesday, 6 October 2015


it's 11:30pm and while i'm usually completely dead to the world by now, tonight i'm feeling all sorts of things and just need to write. i'm exhausted but buzzing with the need to get these circulating thoughts out of my head and down into some hopefully but probably not likely to be coherent sentences. i'm huddled in a blanket in the dark, face dimly illuminated by my laptop screen and insides warmed by a mug of peppermint tea and i'm feeling oh so lost right now.

so fucking lost.

to a certain extent it's not really feeling lost in the world per se. i mean, i have incredible friends and family and a job i love. it's more a feeling of being lost within myself. i'm currently, and think i have been for a long time, in a place of not knowing who i am OR who i want to be. and it's kinda terrifying me. i'm not in a position where i would say i'm content within myself and my day-to-day actions aren't getting me anywhere or making me overly happy. i dunno i just can't help but feel that i don't really know myself at all.

i think a big thing is that the last couple of years have been so difficult for me mentally. i've been in a battle with my brain and thoughts and dealing with messy mental stuff and because at times that's been really draining, i haven't had a whole lot of energy or thought room to develop or focus on any of my passions. heck, i don't even know what the fuck my "passions" are. i don't really know what i'm good at or what i love and that's really sad. something that has always kinda gotten to me is the fact that when you meet people, often one of the very first things they ask is "what do you want to do when you leave school/grow up?", as if the most important thing about you is the career you will choose in years to come. i've always had some sort of answer to that question, be it ridiculous or childish or vain, but now i have absolutely no flipping idea. what to do i want to do with my life? i want to swim under waterfalls and in the ocean, eat fresh fruit and veggies, do yoga, climb mountains and watch the sunrise, walk around a spacious house in pretty lingerie, make love and fall in love, write, listen to music, take photos and capture beautiful moments, travel the globe, have meaningful connections, be happy within myself. how do i fabricate a career out of that? how do i answer the question of what i want to do when i leave school?

i think i'm also scared of being deemed as "unsuccessful" or not living up to my "potential"/people's expectations of me. i've kinda fucked up this school year and the realisation that i could've been better, could've done more, could've been more, is really messing with me. i've always been a bright kid - when i was in primary school my parents had me tested for a "gifted children program". i ended up just under the mark but my parents were told that things would come very easy to me but when i got to high-school/college and things became more challenging, i wouldn't know how to work at or deal with things. how did they so accurately predict my life oh man. growing up with high expectations of myself from my parents, teachers and my own self and kinda being a failure at the moment is a really really uncomfortable and negative position. i so passionately hate the feeling/thought of disappointing and letting people down.

i guess that brings up another point though - i need to stop looking for validation from others. i think especially with all this social media bullshit, it's so easy to crave that validation from others. that you're good enough, that you're worthy. whether it be posting a photo on instagram and waiting for the "you're so gorgeous" "body goals" "let me be you" comments or even posting my thoughts here or on tumblr and hoping i get comments/messages of support and/or agreeance. it becomes very lonely when that praise is no longer existent within your own self and you've got to always look outwards to find it. still on the topic of social media, i need to get the fuck off and take a break. is scrolling through endless images of girls in bikinis with "perfect" bodies living my #goal life productive in the slightest? i think we all know the answer to that. whether we recognise it or not, consciously or subconsciously, we compare ourselves to those images and it's so fucking toxic. i need to stop putting worth on myself by my physical appearance or compliments i get. like, my skin is super bad right now and i've gained weight but who gives a fuck? why do i feel like that matters? i'm more than my skin and bones and i want to start working on what's inside and get compliments on that.

i dunno this is a total raw mess that i'm not even going to read over and edit and i'm a mess but i had to get it out. i've gotta make a change. i've gotta start working on things. it's so late (i've been sitting here for hours) and no doubt reading this over in daylight is going to make me cringe at the lack of sense it makes. idk i'm winging everything and just want to be unapologetically honest.

i'm so fucking lost, but hey, maybe that's really okay.

A xx

Sunday, 2 August 2015


behold, the photo-taking experience that caused my burning desire and demanding need to create again. at the risk of sounding totally bullshitty and pretentious, who would've thought that a seemingly insignificant morning spent trespassing into an old shed could have such an effect on my state of mind. 

meet sinead. with her striking blue eyes, she's one-part good looks, two-parts beautiful soul. just one of those humans you can't help but feel truly blessed to know, ya know?

amongst the soft rays of light that morning i somehow found/rekindled this sliver of passion that's only gonna keep growin'. find what you love and do that shit more often.

A xx